Everyone says that working out will rejuvenate you; it will make you feel young again. Young again? Doesn't anyone know what an uncomfortable and awkward tween/teen I was? But, truth be damned, today the gym turned me into a 14 year old in combat boots. I'm self-critical. I'm judging. I'm feeling left out.
The gym was a little closer to a balmy 95 degrees than usual. I was doing my lunges and lifting weights when an entire pod of 18-20 year olds showed up and proceeded to discuss their army-style push-ups and the number of pull ups they can do. They learned this in lacrosse, in gymnastics. I was on the trivia team in high school, and spent any free time in the art room or writing poetry in my bedroom. No one ever trained me to do anything.
So the voice in my head turned on: "I'm not lunging right."
"My toes are turning in."
"I have to do push-ups on my knees."
SHUT UP! And the light turned on-- I'm not working out to deal with a weight problem, but a confidence problem. Taking control of my body is putting me back in control of ME. I'm a goal setter, a bearer of self-control and intention. Is there anything wrong with me? No. Did those girls even notice that I was there? Probably not, unless they needed the mat I was using.
So for the end of this week, I have a non-fitness goal: go to the gym tomorrow and focus on me, on my body's feedback, the rise in my endurance. The mirrors are there for me to watch my form, not to check if the people around me are staring at me. And if I'm sweating, it's because I'm kicking ass, spaced out in my own little world of exercise.
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